Remember that time I decided to keep a blog while I studied abroad and then I hardly updated it? Like not for an entire month? Oops. Time has passed and now I'm sitting here after spending a beautiful day on my campus' main lawn and soaking up the sun (which means I am now sunburned, but only on my left side. CUTE) and I've realised that in two weeks, by this time, I'll be home again. In North Carolina.
So much has happened while I've been here. I've faced independence more than I ever have. I've had to go somewhere where I know no one. I've had to learn to navigate and live in the largest city in Europe. I've had to adjust to a new culture. And all of these things have changed me from the girl I was that grew up in North Carolina. I've become independent. I've made new, wonderful friends. I've tested my relationship with God, only to realise that I will always need Him. I've gotten to travel, something I've always wanted to do and never have. I've had to cook for myself every night. I've fallen in love with London. I've only been here for five months, and yet, my old life seems fuzzy. I can't seem to picture it clearly. I feel like the person I have become won't fit as well with that. I was talking with one of my Norwegian friends today. She understood me when I said that. But she assured me to know that I'd go home and quickly slip back into the comfort of home. However, that worries me with what will happen to this version of me? The one that has a big city at her fingertips, can grab a casual drink with a friend, and doesn't constantly need to be in contact with her parents. Will the two selves merge? I don't want to give up the life and person I am here. It felt so good to sit on the lawn today, soaking up sun, listening to my English friends complain about the heat (it wasn't hot by my Southern standards) and play football (soccer) while drunk. It's just a beautiful, simple thing. And I'll miss it more than the world.
If you had asked me two weeks ago, I would have said I thought I would be ready to leave when the time came. However, as the time draws nearer, I wish there was a way to shackle me to this country. I don't want to leave England, especially now that the weather is SO nice. This has become my home. North Carolina doesn't feel like home anymore. Sure, there are things I miss about it, but it still feels weird to think about going back to North Carolina. I don't want to. At least not yet.
Maybe I'll get mentally prepared to go as my return flight gets closer, though. All of my friends are starting to leave. I've had to say multiple goodbyes over the last week. It's been hard because part of my London is the friends I have here. And I don't know if I'll ever see some of these people again. That breaks my heart. My flatmate, Scott, and I got a bit emotional about it on Sunday night, drowning our sorrow in shots of vodka and talking about all that this experience has given us and how difficult it is to put it in to words to explain to our friends back home (without sounding like jerks that don't miss them. Because we do miss them) that we don't want to leave London.
It's inevitable, though. I will be leaving in two weeks. I will be home- if I consider it that anymore- in exactly two weeks. That thought terrfies me. Until then, I plan to spend every possible moment with my remaining friends here and going to my favourite parts of London and seeing the last few things I haven't seen yet. I need to live it up and leave with no regrets. Maybe then I'll be ready to leave... but I doubt it. I guess it will just happen, and I will have to learn how to deal with that.
